Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

This is a true ally.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?