Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”