[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You Might Also Like
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?