@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

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@3sunzzz

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

@Lisabug74

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

@sad_tree

*sees guy ordering pizza*
“With onion”
(Ok)
“Sausage”
(Nice)
“Mushroom”
(Hell yea)
“Chk”
(Plz)
“Meatballs”
(Why)
“Anchovies”
(Ur dead to me)

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

@Mardigroan

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

@Home_Halfway

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

@DepecheALAmode

Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!

@Reverend_Scott

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

@nicfit75

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

@Twtercide

If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.