H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
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*sees guy ordering pizza*
(Ur dead to me)
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
*drummer throws drums*
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If you want the truth, ask a child.
If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.
If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.