[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You Might Also Like
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I have many caverns
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.