Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone