[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.