Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling