Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Morning my dudes.

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”