Pass gas, not judgment.
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Whoa 😂
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”