“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Always the vampires
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Born to be mild.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.