“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
October already? What’s next? November????
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.