“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.