Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.