passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
me irl
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.