Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

🐦

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman