passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.