Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon