@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

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@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@Darlainky

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

@PoodleSnarf

Two edibles and two whiskies ago I was a regular man. Now I am the world’s largest curly fry

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@threetimedaddy

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

@kelkulus

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.