Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
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Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.