Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

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Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not


I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.


Two edibles and two whiskies ago I was a regular man. Now I am the world’s largest curly fry


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no


[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal


How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.


If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting


Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.


When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.