(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.