Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon