Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I lost a peanut butter m&m in my bed and now I’m afraid about where I’m gonna find it
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
👾👾👾
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
never stops being funny
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.