Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
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In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”