Passed by a old school Math example today.
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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I might give this a try 😏
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
A friend sent me this.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
This is sending me to another galaxy
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening