Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

scared to check what name she chose

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Kids: Stay in school.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.