Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1666198229845950465/pu/vid/512x384/uX5xo0JvSgs_XqWE.mp4?tag=12

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

ㅤ

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

sweet dreams💖

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.