Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 馃ズ
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “碌”
called? Student : Torrent
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pok茅mon
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My daughter鈥檚 birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me: Remember, don鈥檛 bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that鈥檚 beautiful
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I鈥橵E SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I鈥檒l get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Mornin
Sign of the day..
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I鈥檓 just weird.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Birdbox, but it鈥檚 just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.