Passed by an electricianâs truck that said âNo job, too smallâ with the comma⊠sorry little buddy đ„ș
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Receptionist at the Dentist: Whatâs your availability six months from now?
Me: I donât know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
When Iâm drafting a legal document, Iâll sprinkle the word âhereinâ all over that shit like itâs paprika.
If you say married people arenât having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[sees friend at the store]
âHiâ
Hey
âWhereâs your better half?â
The PS4âs at home
âNo I mean-â
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
People Complain Theyâve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
3 y/o, sobbing : IâVE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what youâve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: Youâve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, weâre going to the cinema. Whatâs the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
me: I quit, hereâs my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons⊠I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess itâs going to be me.
WIFE: weâve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
âHey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs Iâm covered in?â she said, croquettishly.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dogâs tail and asked him whoâs a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
We wouldnât really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Made something Iâm not proud of
I love when really expensive products say âapply generouslyâ like of course you would say that
My love language is hissing.
Iâm the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, Iâve been hungry before.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. Youâre a souper hero.
Heâs already better than me at puns.