Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.