Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?