Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Lol.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

ㅤ

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!