Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Huge, if true.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
found a horse’s reddit account
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso