Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.