Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great game to play with friends

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever