Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
