Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
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[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
When I face a minor setback
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
We’ve all been there
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.