Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

awkward

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

The best plant holders?

Erm I’m gonna say no

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?