*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
🖤✌🏽
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.