Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?