*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
You Might Also Like
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore