Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
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ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
And now we wait
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.