Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I am patiently waiting for your email
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
So sorry
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.