Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
what does he know…
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Some people were born into their job.
Every work call, he judges.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.