Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.