*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
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The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
i baked you a cake
#math
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-