*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
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What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
hardest line in real life
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Looking at you, Jesus.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there