Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

Ooh I do like a good funnel

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

My wedding will be open casket.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.