Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

I triple waxed for this?

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it