*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
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Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
He instantly became one of the bros
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED