*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth