Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

gender is a sprctrum

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

This made me smile…

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Good boy 😂😂

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!