*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.