*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word