*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”