passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*checks Timeline*…
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex