Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.