Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!