passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
This is not me but this is me
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out