Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
What the hell is going on?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years