*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue