*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Muppet Screams
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!