Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

who wants to go expliring

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long