*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her