*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
But that’s none of my business
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
How dramatic are you?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.