Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Artwork by Herta Burbe

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building