Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think about this cartoon a lot.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

You were the one.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.