passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?