passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?