passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

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I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.


“What’s today?”

Normal people: Sunday….

Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.


Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”


ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*


Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.


I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.


*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*


“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States


ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.


I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.