passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
You Might Also Like
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?