Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.