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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.