You Might Also Like
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist