Roadkill is just a goth zoo
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I was bored.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*