Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
calling in to work dehydrated
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.