Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

The fall of Netflix

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.