Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

Genius.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach