I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”