“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
🍂🕷️🍂
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I wanna be friends with this person
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching