“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
the red hot silly peppers
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
🤣😂
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.