“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.