@AwkwardComedy

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

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@drankturpentine

ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@Tmoney68

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

@tastefactory

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

@Marlebean

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@robfee

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

@bobsin

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.