“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

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ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better


Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet


To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”


If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.


When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear


You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.


Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.


Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.